Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”