I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
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[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.