I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
when she block me on everything
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.