Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Hey I worked for it too!

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

I put the dance in “Good riddance!”

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?