Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.