I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
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College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.