I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
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The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg