I can fix him.
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
😭😭
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit