I can fix him.
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Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”