I can fix him.
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Life hack
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
What do you hear?
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”