I can fix him.
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m giving up for Lent.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?