“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
The future is now.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.