Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

So creative 😂

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.