Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work