Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!