I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
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If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.