I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss: