I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
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Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cat or sheep
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card