Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

What.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.

#vss365

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?