Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

ㅤㅤ

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.