I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
welp
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.