I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Me: Did you bring a poop bag in case the dog poops?
Bf: I brought 2 bags!
Me: Oh, good. I can take a poop then too.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?