Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Sing it!

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw