I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
who’s gonna tell her?
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.