I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.