I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Just organising my finances.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus