“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
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Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
rebranding
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.