Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.