Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

ㅤ

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Air pods looking like an angry frog

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy