Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

My blood type is b hungry.

Brilliant!

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.