I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If you love someone, let them sleep.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead