Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

*pronounces UPS like yoops

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

I put the hot in psychotic.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

It’s on my to-do list.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude