Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

c’mon!

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

reviewed some movies recently

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.