I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
can’t catch a break
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!