I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
live long and prosper!
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
#catsoftwitter
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My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
what’s the point then??
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As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers