I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.