I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
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Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Why am I like this?
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.