Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

dutch is not a serious language

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.