I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Home #decor warning.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
