I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
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I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Squash
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
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