Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Everyone is getting idioter.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

I just tested negative for patience.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings