I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
You Might Also Like
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth