WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Will Will chase Chase?
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Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
God: you’re a dove.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
LET HIM FIGHT YOU COWARDS
Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?