Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

What personal space?

My dog

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.