i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
You Might Also Like
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
thanks auntie mary
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.