Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

why am i having trouble navigating this map??

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.