I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You know…for fall…
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Good dog. ❤️
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?