I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Festive toon…
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
True
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.