I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
You Might Also Like
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.