I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
You Might Also Like
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
this came to me in a vision
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?