I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
only 11 steps left
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high