I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
So that’s what we looked like?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?