I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex