I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop