I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*![]()
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.