Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.