I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now