I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
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when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Milk Cube
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir