I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Sooo many times…..
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.