Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”