My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
channeling her this year
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
bears
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen