I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.
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S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you’re well travelled, girls love it!
Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here
I like to wipe real slow now I know the real value of toilet paper
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.