I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.