Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck