I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
Thank you corporation very cool
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.