I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
You Might Also Like
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children