I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.