Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

😭😭😭😭

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd