I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”