Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

A dad and his duck

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.