I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
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Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Voting is the worst group project
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now