@TattleTSister

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

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@infinityonhi

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@MrJeberling

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.

@Try2StopME

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

@ayyyyloser

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

@simoncholland

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.