I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Whoa 😂
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge