I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Rt to bother an English speaker
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
In case you needed to hear it:
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally