I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Sticker placement is key.
We found love in a hopeless place.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.