I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”