I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
there’s probably a fee though
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Spring of Deception
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago