Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition