Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.