I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime