I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush