Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.