I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
This made me smile…
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on