I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
black phone good
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
i love modern commerce
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.